:aaapumkinthanks 
Wondering,
Thanks so much for all the positive feedback...and I am very glad that I had the opportunity to help you.

I understand the one day at a time thing, and really am an optimistic person, I know it is difficult to see that based on my posts, but this a chance to say all those things I can't say to others...all the negatives that society doesn't accept. To say you cringe at the sound of your childs voice...is not okay to those who do not live what we live. I have almost 14 years of frustration built up, so once I get to say all the "taboo" things I have held in for soooo long, you will see my optimistic side!!!
 :bonkhead 


I work in the social service field, and it amazes me how I can see it all from the outside....I could tell someone in my shoes exactly what to do and the right way to handle things....but that all goes out the window when you are dealing with it from an emotional stand point. I understand what you are saying about controlling my own moods and feelings instead of letting his actions make or break me. I try but the disappointment gets so overwhelming. I read once that the grief procsess that parents of kids with disabilities is the same as the grief process we go through when dealing with the death of a child. I grieve for him everyday...All the hopes, dreams, and possibilities that I pictured for my perfect little baby boy are gone, and I am left with this mean, disrespectful, hateful child, who expresses his hate for me daily[code

I am not one who usually feels sorry for myself...so I'll stop whining and deal with my reality now...It felt good to whine for once!!!!

I try not to put him the mental box you describe, and I do hold on to hope....otherwise I wouldn't be here!!!! No matter what you say.....I still admire you for sticking this out with your hubby!!!! I know it has been hell at times, but to me that is what true love is all about....taking what you are given, not what you thought you had, and making the best of it!!!! I am a fighter as well, and I will get through this phase with T, and he will never be the child I dreamed of, but he will always be mine, and he is mine for a reason. I hope no one is offended by what I am going to say....I used to look at parents with these well behaved children....parents, who in my eyes, were pretty much worthless and not even fit to have the title. They would have the child of my dreams and I would be overwhelmed with envy and self-pity. Then I figured it out....God would not give these people a child like mine, because the child would not stand a chance in hell! I have been given this child because I am smart enough and determined enough to stick this out. This may be far from accurate, but it sure keeps me going!!!!

I think I posted a response to you about Abilify....
Heather