Heather, I just read your post to Dana and I'm so proud of you - when we can reach out to someone else who is hurting even when we are, it's a powerful thing. That's a great thing here because everyone helps each other and sometimes when we are answering someone else - we hear ourself give an answer that fits for us too.

My DH and I were actually divorced for a few years before he got a diagnosis and what we believed was the answer. We remarried and something shifted in him shortly afterwards. I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. But I will say I have grown so much in this situation that I wouldn't have otherwise. I'll explain a little.

For years, his moods, etc would become my life. If he was having a bad day, I did too. I would cringe like you were talking about worrying what he would be like when he came home, etc. My thoughts, actions, etc were very focussed and a reflection of him. I was very proactive in getting proper care, treatment, meds., etc for him but was completely ignoring myself.

I have slowly worked on myself and doing things for me that are good and healthy and not related to his illness. I realized that while I still have to keep a watchful and caring eye out - I have to realize it is NOT within my power to change any of this and if I accept each day and seek out what makes me happier, more peaceful, contented, etc, within each day - I am happier and don't use his mood as a measure of how my day is too. What a gift that has been!! I have been able to refocus my energies towards bettering me and doing things that make me feel good about myself. Try and take a few moments a day to try and do that for yourself, okay?

I also realized that I was letting my frustration with this situation bubble over and I would make comments to him that I didn't have to. I have almost completely stopped doing that and it's helped both of us.

I don't know if it will ever go back to the relationship we had or that I hoped for. Recently, I realized that hope is appropriate - that since we truly DON'T know all the answers, a new med. etc might be what works. We have a little bit of that going on now. I haven't let myself be optimistic up to now - I really understand what you were saying about that - but I've realized that it's not fair to ourselves or our loved ones to put them mentally into a box where there is never going to be a change. That's not fair to them or us. Take each day at a time. Accept gratefully the calmer moments. And we learn to accept with as much grace as we can those not so calm moments.

The other thing from your post that I was thinking about was the discipline. The others with children can give you more feedback on that. The thing that struck a chord with me, is that when my DH was really in BP mode ( and I could see it in his eyes ), that was not a time to discuss or confront anything. It would be a disaster every time. Eventually I learned to make a conscious decision not to engage in it then. It made for a lot more peace. It's got to be a lot tougher with a BP child ( I have kids but non BP ) - because there is that line of necessary discipline as a parent and an understanding of when and how because of the BP. All I know is that when my DH was in manic mode, any arguing or confrontation on my part would feed into it and fuel it.

I hope some of this helps you - glad that we are able to talk - you have helped me too - I don't think I've ever been able to talk to someone and have them really understand about what you were saying about looking into their eyes and knowing when they were or weren't there. It's so nice to have someone truly understand.

And, as always, sending you big :hug88 's. Knowing that we are all here for each other really does help.