Am I the only Mom who gets so angry I could cry???? But I don't....

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bgb67

Am I the only Mom who gets so angry I could cry???? But I don't....

Lead

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Posts: 4

(01/13/09 06:33 PM)

"You have given us a precious soul to whom everything is new."

Cause then I feel like she wins. Wins. Who wins? Neither of us. Trying to stay positive here.

I just can't believe how much anger I feel toward her sometimes. And no, I don't show it - but I know she can feel it. For all of the thousands of times she has said she hates me and wishes me dead, she still can't go to sleep without hugs and kisses, and she needs for me to show her - somehow - before she goes to sleep, that I love her.

My dd actually still takes almost all meds without being asked. I simply hand them to her as of right now, and I really only give her Melatonin when she's extremely tired and it helps to take the edge off of her night time unsettled feeling. I'm sure others do this as well, but ever since her dx, I have explained what it is, and why she takes it. It did take me several years to get a dx, but after having that mother's instinct and just knowing that there was something special about her - I continued to seek knowledge and answers. My favorite misdiagnosis was that I had a "spirited child." Anyone else heard that one????

Beth (Meg's mom)

Erica 16 (amazing and healthy)
Meg 11 (beautiful and kind) (Bipolar NOS, ADHD, OCD) Abilify 5 mg., Vivanse 5 mg., Guaficine 1 mg. 2x/day, Melatonin as needed
Corie 6 (little fairy princess and healthy)

Elainekh

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Posts: 2226

(01/14/09 01:06 AM)

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No, you are not the only mom who does that!! I'm too tired and spent to write just now, but just know you are not alone!!

Elaine, Mom to DS, 18, seroquel 100mg at night

Lvnmomofbpkid

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Junior

Posts: 124

(01/14/09 02:29 AM)

No you are not alone. I very rarely show the hurt that I feel. I do my very best to not cry in front of my DS. I haven't been doing very well at this lately but somehow he knows not to push me. The constant nag of I want this, I want that and the complete underfoot is still present but the anger outburst have taken a hacienda for the moment. It is a difficult process and you're only human to have it affect you. I would be worried if you said it doesn't. I understand the "I don't want your DD/DS to feel they have won", in any of our cases. Our greatest asset is our strength and self control. Undoubtedly though, we can be pushed to our limits and beyond.

Hang in there!

Nicole - Sometimes ... Sleepless in Seattle
Dale age 14 - Diagnosed Bipolar w/schizophrenic tendencies & ADHD 2/2006 (after 8 long years of searching for a diagnosis) Meds: Abilify 15mg at night, Lexapro 10 mg at night
William age 11 - Healthy

ellenscrochet

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Posts: 75

(01/14/09 05:04 AM)

Freshman

Hi Beth,
No you are not alone. And I blew it last week when my ds did make me cry...not just cry but sob and sob. That usually doesn't happen but I had been feeling sad all week about things. I think I need an increase in my lexapro! He was so remorseful later that I felt horrible about what happened and swear I won't let it happen again. It is too damaging to both of us. But it is so hard sometimes!

Ellen

- Mom to ds JJ age 8, bp, selective mutism, gad, sid
currently on risperdal

justlovehim

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Posts: 2296

(01/14/09 06:02 AM)

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"For I know the plans I have for you ... plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm a crier!!! Yes, I cry in front of him. I tell him that he hurts my feelings if he does. I think he should know the things that he does that are hurtful and inappropriate. Why do you want to hide your feelings? It is all a learning process for all of us. I've absolutely LOST it in front of him and beat the heck out of a cookie sheet with a hammer. That set him back in his place for a while. I'm a door slammer.

Sweetie, don't feel bad for the anger you feel. Just so it is directed at inanimate objects, it's okay. Besides you have to let it out or it will eat you up inside.

So go ahead and cry.......in front of her and not. I think she needs to know.

Chris

DS-Matt,17 (we made it!)

Depression, dx May 2008, ADHD, dx age 9
Court ordered to take Prozac 40mg, Strattera 40mg, Trazodone 50mg
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4

jalmil

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Posts: 1643

(01/14/09 06:41 AM)

Senior

I'm a crier!!! Yes, I cry in front of him. I tell him that he hurts my feelings if he does. I think he should know the things that he does that are hurtful and inappropriate. Why do you want to hide your feelings? It is all a learning process for all of us. I've absolutely LOST it in front of him

Me too, Chris. Angry isn't even the right word. Furious is more like it. He has pushed me to the brink and back and there have been many times I am so mad I can barely stand the sight of him.

You are definately not alone, Beth.

Lynn

Mom to :
Jordon 18- BP II-
Abilify in morning 15mg., Depakote1250mg at night, 300 mg Gabapentin at night,5mg melatonin at bedtime, Imetrex as needed for migraines

Alex 16 - Dyslexic

Step Mom to :

Tasha 21 -healthy

Rob(Bubba) - 18 asperger syndrome - takes 20 mg abilify at bedtime.

Lvnmomofbpkid

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Junior

Posts: 128

(01/14/09 08:36 AM)

For me I can't say why I hide my feelings. I guess in life I always have, just the way I was raised. In all of my childhood growing up I only remember one fight my parents had and it made an impression that I will never forget. I used to think it was because I didn't want my DS to win. Then it was because I didn't want him to hurt more. Then it was because "it's biological" for him and he can't help it. Honestly the older he gets and the more I learn the less impressed I am with my own excuses. The more that I know, the not showing my emotion to him is something I am working through. I can't say that for anyone else but that's me.

I can tell you, I've comforted him in his time of need, held him, hugged him, rubbed his forehead and dried his tears. I can tell you I've gotten angry, I have said things I didn't mean and later had to apologize for, I have taken his "favorites" away for restriction, I've even cleared out his room to nothing but a bed, bedding and clothing, I've called 911, I've had to throw myself under the bus and tackled him so he wouldn't hurt anyone else and take the physical pain from his mental anquish and psychotic breaks. Yet ... I don't cry. Well until recently.... When in rage he is so far from the caring, loving, compassionate boy he CAN be and he admittedly doesn't always know or remember what is or has happened and what he has done. He may come to me and see that I have bruises a day or two or three later and ask me what happened. At that point he is remorseful but until he is back on the same planet, crying or no crying he doesn't seem to care.

Nicole - Sometimes ... Sleepless in Seattle
Dale age 14 - Diagnosed Bipolar w/schizophrenic tendencies & ADHD 2/2006 (after 8 long years of searching for a diagnosis) Meds: Abilify 15mg at night, Lexapro 10 mg at night
William age 11 - Healthy

moxleymama

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Senior

Posts: 323

(01/14/09 08:43 AM)

I'm someone who felt like you and tried to not cry in front of DS. I broke down one particularly bad day this past fall when DS was coming off of all of his meds and cried the entire trip to the hospital. When I got there, the tdoc took DS and told me to head onto work. Later on, I was told that I "fed into" his mood that day by crying. WHATEVER. I decided then and there (cuz I'm a rebel) that he will see me cry and will have to deal with the fallout of his behavior.

Oh, and my 2 favorite misdiagonises were "he has a profound hearing loss" and "you need to learn how to be a better parent".

Susan

Mom to :
Nathan (12); BiPolar I mixed without psychosis, ADHD, PDD-NOS (Concerta 36 mg am, Clonidine .05 mg am, noon & 0.2 mg bedtime, & Abilify 5 mg at 6 pm)

Hannah (7); healthy and happy (unless you count the HSM addiction)

momofalexa

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Posts: 7445

(01/14/09 08:47 AM)

Moderator,
Master of
Resources

"Life is a millstone - YOU decide if it's going to grind you down or polish you up."

Susan, that is horrible! What a bunch of clueless losers.

Nicole, I have the same problem. I cannot cry oftentimes. I used to cry every morning though after the trauma of trying to get dd to school. Beyond that, I do find it hard to cry.

I think it is GOOD for them to see our emotions though. Sometimes when I am mad, I do let it out. It's probably more healthy than hiding our feelings. I don't know....

Heather
Mom of Alexa, (17 years old) Diagnosed BP-NOS (09/05), updated to BP II w/psychotic features (05/08)
Abilify (10 mg), Lamictal (200 mg), Provigil (100 mg - a.m. and 3 p.m.), Claritin, Klonipin (.5 mg) as needed
Topamax at night only (100 mg) Seroquel at night only (200mg)
Attends alternative high school (Ohio)

krisrenjo

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Freshman

Posts: 26

(01/14/09 11:23 AM)

Freshman

All too often I feel like I have to be "super" woman to handle everything and not let it affect me. That is why is helps to read everyone elses posts and know that you are not alone and you are only human!

Kristi mother to
Jeremy 12, bp, adhd, Invega, lamictal, strattera
Tyler 10
Mariah 9

anonymousmom

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Senior

Posts: 1335

(01/14/09 12:34 PM)

Senior

I, too, am not a crier. I think the last time I cried was after leaving Rob at the hospital. Maybe I have since then, but I don't think so. If Rob gets to me enough to make me cry, I don't try to hide it. I just try to get it under control.

Crying does not mean "weak". Crying means "spent". But warriors that we are, we take as much as we can, we cry sometimes, and we lose it sometimes. It doesn't do our kids any good to pretend they are not hurting us, they can't learn anything that way.

But for me at least, the more I had to deal with, the easier I could deal with it, and the less I would be hurt by it. Know what I mean?

By the way - "hello" Beth! Welcome to our group, too bad you had to join us though!

Connie
Mom to Rob 18yo, ADHD, BP, OCD, ODD Refuses meds
Mom to Brad 26 yo, practically perfect in every way

lilyns

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Posts: 1845

(01/14/09 06:59 PM)

Senior

Susan, I was howling from "Profound hearing loss"!!!!!!!

That's the best one yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beth,
It seems like all I do these days is cry. I need very little provocation. Lately I've been unable to control myself because I'm so worn down. I cry when I'm talking with friends, while talking with Lilah's therapist, during family therapy - all the time - and, yes, in front of Lilah, who rolls her eyes and gets angry. She shows about as much compassion as a stone (less, actually!). I've also been told to "hold it together" because I shouldn't let Lilah think that she's getting to me, but that's just not possible. Sure we're warriors, but we're also human and there's just so much a human being can take. Our kids need to see that. So, give yourself permission to cry away (within reason, of course)!

Lynne,
Mom of Lilah, age 15 (Abilify-25 mgs. and Lamictal-200 mgs.)

aggierules

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Sophomore

Posts: 147

(01/15/09 03:23 AM)

To cry, or not to cry.....That is the question.

I think my tear ducts are pretty much empty right now. And I'd say my approach to my dd could be classified and cold and calculated. She has sucked me dry.

I am suspicious, wary, exhausted, tense, frightened, and let's not forget SICK of it all.

So, Diane, you are in good company here.

The good news is, our strength can be renewed. You will feel down one day and a few days later, you will feel like you are going to make it. Be good to yourself when you are running low on energy. Conserve!

Angela
dd Marissa,13, depression/mood disorder Luvox, Risperdal

moxleymama

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Senior

Posts: 337

(01/15/09 09:49 AM)

When DS is having good moments, I mentally picture putting that in a box and putting it on the shelf. When times SUCK, I picture taking out the box and reviewing the moments. It may sound silly, but it's easier than eating your young (as I alluded to earlier, not so helpfully).

Susan

Mom to :
Nathan (12); BiPolar I mixed without psychosis, ADHD, PDD-NOS (Concerta 36 mg am, Clonidine .05 mg am, noon & 0.2 mg bedtime, & Abilify 5 mg at 6 pm)

Hannah (7); healthy and happy (unless you count the HSM addiction)

Last Edited By: moxleymama 01/18/09 08:53 AM. Edited 1 times.

Okaniyo

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Posts: 451

(01/15/09 10:27 AM)

Senior

"Well-behaved women rarely make history ..."

I like that: Crying does not mean "weak". Crying means "spent"...I was "spent" last night; dd was manic, running around, looking for this, that and the other and was completely unable to understand MY emotionally exhausted state of mind. I just said "I'm done for today; can't do anymore; can't even talk" - put my earplugs in and went to bed.

LOL. No point in trying to explain; she was in her "profound hearing loss" state anyway!

I let her know when she has hurt me. She often doesn't understand at the time, but later will ask me about it when she's not so manic. So I guess that is a good thing.

I've learned to just take it one day (sometimes one hour or even one minute) at a time. As I've learned in Al-Anon - just focus on doing the "next right thing". If you try to look too far ahead, you'll make yourself even crazier!

dd 18, BP, ODD, ADD
2 stepkids, 18 & 21, normal

ellenscrochet

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Posts: 79

(01/15/09 02:20 PM)

Freshman

I just sent an email to the school counselor just to update her on what has been going on. Part of her response I would like to share about the crying:

"I know the hardest part is when JJ gets violent, because not only can he hurt you, but if he has gotten to that point, there is nothing any of us can do to calm him down, until he is ready to calm down. I hope you are physically ok, I am sure the emotional side was hurt worse. Dont' feel bad at all about breaking down and crying. You absolutely need to model what appropriate affect is for any given situation. If he hits you and you don't cry, then maybe in his mind he can do it to someone else. Remember in my lecture on anxiety that I gave to the PCC and I said that children sometimes get anxious when the reaction from a parent doesn't mesh with what it should be? It is confusing for them, and they are not learning appropriate cause and effect. If you are sad, you cry, if you are happy, you smile, if you are in pain, you respond to that. There are a million reasons why you may think it is better to not let JJ see that, but I strongly disagree, go on and cry if you need to."

Makes sense to me explained that way. I just felt I shouldn't let him know he was getting to me.

Ellen

- Mom to ds JJ age 8, bp, selective mutism, gad, sid
currently on risperdal

momofalexa

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Posts: 7471

(01/15/09 02:40 PM)

Moderator,
Master of
Resources

"Life is a millstone - YOU decide if it's going to grind you down or polish you up."

Ellen, this counselor is VERY insightful. I like the way she explained it. You are lucky to have such a great resource!

Thank you for sharing with all of us!

Heather
Mom of Alexa, (17 years old) Diagnosed BP-NOS (09/05), updated to BP II w/psychotic features (05/08)
Abilify (10 mg), Lamictal (200 mg), Provigil (100 mg - a.m. and 3 p.m.), Claritin, Klonipin (.5 mg) as needed
Topamax at night only (100 mg) Seroquel at night only (200mg)
Attends alternative high school (Ohio)

lilyns

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Senior

Posts: 1849

(01/15/09 05:19 PM)

Senior

I agree with Heather.

Lynne,
Mom of Lilah, age 15 (Abilify-25 mgs. and Lamictal-200 mgs.)

Lvnmomofbpkid

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Junior

Posts: 138

(01/16/09 03:10 AM)

Wonderful explaination! It's all in perception I guess. It makes a ton of sense!

I also talk to my son when he is not manic and explain how he hurt me. When he and I are both calm. A lot of times he will come to me now and ask as he has clearly stated that when he is in Manic mode he doesn't know what he is doing and he doesn't remember doing it after. It really seems to scare him when he is cogniscent of the result of his behavior. He is also very remorseful. Which the pdoc's say is a good thing ... its just follows a bad thing and they don't like that "he doesn't know". Part of the psychotic features.

Nicole - Sometimes ... Sleepless in Seattle
Dale age 14 - Diagnosed Bipolar w/schizophrenic tendencies & ADHD 2/2006 (after 8 long years of searching for a diagnosis) Meds: Abilify 15mg at night, Lexapro 10 mg at night
William age 11 - Healthy

justlovehim

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Senior

Posts: 2308

(01/17/09 05:29 PM)

Senior

"For I know the plans I have for you ... plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I agree with the school counselor 100%..... it's what I was trying to say!! YAY!

Chris

DS-Matt,17 (we made it!)

Depression, dx May 2008, ADHD, dx age 9
Court ordered to take Prozac 40mg, Strattera 40mg, Trazodone 50mg
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4

jalmil

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Senior

Posts: 1660

(01/18/09 07:53 AM)

Senior

Great explaination !! and I totally agree that crying means "spent" at least it does fo me.

Lynn
shiver
Mom to :
Jordon 18- BP II-
Abilify in morning 15mg., Depakote1250mg at night, 300 mg Gabapentin at night,5mg melatonin at bedtime, Imetrex till runs out then Maxalt 10 -as needed for migraines

Alex 16 - Dyslexic and learning to drive slap

Step Mom to :

Tasha 21 -healthy

Rob(Bubba) - 18 asperger syndrome - stopped taking meds.

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Am I the only Mom who gets so angry I could cry???? But I don't....

Am I the only Mom who gets so angry I could cry???? But I don't....

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